News From Around The Bend

by Acoustic Ross

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about

The first 'official' Acoustic Ross release, and the first time I wasn't making all the copies myself at home (although that IS how I did the packaging). Released shortly before the word 'Acoustic' became a permanent addition (the second pressing includes the Acoustic Ross moniker).

Recorded at home in early 2002. A few of these tracks appeared on earlier releases -- several of them on Where Is Everybody? -- but these are all brand-new 'definitive' recordings. I can still listen to this without (much) physical pain, which puts it WAY ahead of its predecessors.

credits

released March 16, 2002

CREDITS: Acoustic Ross - literally every single thing.

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about

Acoustic Ross Tulsa, Oklahoma

Either Tulsa's funniest musician or its most musical comedian, Acoustic Ross has written & performed original AntiFolk/comedy music for 20+ years, releasing 5 albums, serving as house musician/MC in carnival sideshow, & playing nearly 400 shows in venues sizing from Cain's Ballroom to a school bus.

Check out www.acousticross.com/sounds.html for a handful of tracks not available here!
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Track Name: Over You Now
OVER YOU NOW © 2002 Acoustic Ross

I stole your car and blew up your house
but I think I’m over you now
I stalked your friends and I ate your dog
but I think I’m over you now

I watched you at school for a week or two
until I knew that it was true
That this was love and we had to be together
in spite of you

I painted your name on the walls of the school
but I think I’m over you now
I sent a few notes, I sent a few bombs
but I think I’m over you now

I followed you home and I followed you in
and I watched from under the bed
I sent you my ear, I sent you my arm
and I taped everything you said

I painted my name on the back of your car
but I think I’m over you now
I shaved my head and burned down my house
but I think I’m over you now

I burned you in effigy
(into my flesh)
and I kidnapped your mom and dad
I went to jail, I flunked my test
and now I think I’ve got it bad

Now the shrink says I’m obsessive, but I don’t know
I guess I just fall in love too fast
So if you still want me I’ll be out in 8 years
maybe we can have another blast

Well I hung myself in prison so I could get out
and I’m just a spirit now
I’m gonna haunt your house for the rest of time
I guess I’m really over you now

And I’m watching over you now

And I’m hovering over you now

I’m really over you now
Track Name: 83 Ribbons
83 RIBBONS © 2002 Acoustic Ross

I’ve got 83 ribbons
every color from here to there
One for every concern
but I never know which one to wear
I say just what I think
(at least what I think I think)
I stand for my beliefs
I stand for everything

I got the first ribbon for AIDS awareness
two was for abstinence
Three and four, pornography
(one for and one against)
Five and six, drugs and alcohol
seven fur, eight for the environment
Nine is anti-smoking
ten ten ten ten for everything everything everything everything
(Eleven for plagiarism)

Everyone’s gotta believe in something
but I can’t make up my mind
Everyone’s got a cause to fight for
and all of them are mine
I've got a song in my heart and my heart on my sleeve
and I know one thing for sure:
My cause is bigger than yours.

I buy a lot of records
but only if they’re benefit
I donate my parents’ money
but all of it’s nonprofit
I’m Sinead, I’m Sting, I’m the Cranberries
I’m Rage Against The Machine
I know my side will win one day
cause I’m on every team

Everyone’s gotta believe in something
but I can’t make up my mind
Everyone’s got a cause to fight for
and all of them are mine
I've got a song in my heart and my heart on my sleeve
and I know one thing for sure:
My cause is bigger than yours.

I’ve got one each for the Bill of Rights
which brings it to 21
A green one for the rainforest
the blue one’s got something to do with guns
There’s one for every state in the union
nine for the Supreme Court
The last one’s for independence
cause I’m against any kind of support

Everyone’s gotta believe in something
but I can’t make up my mind
Everyone’s got a cause to fight for
and all of them are mine
I've got a song in my heart and my heart on my sleeve
and I know one thing for sure:
My cause is bigger than yours.
Track Name: Idiot
IDIOT © 2002 Acoustic Ross

I sent a big check to a TV preacher
Don’t play the game, I watch from the bleachers
I hate teachers
cause I’m an idiot

I don’t rock the boat
I don’t wear a coat
I don’t even vote
cause I’m an idiot

I’m an idiot and I like my life just fine
I’m an idiot, won’t you be mine?

Spent all my money on a really nice casket
Put all my eggs and then dropped the basket
A tisket, a tasket
I’m an idiot

I o.d.’d on sugar
I’ve eaten a booger
proposed to a hooker
cause I’m an idiot

I’m an idiot and I like my life just fine
I’m an idiot, won’t you be mine?

A box of rocks, I’m dumb as an ox
I don’t get the joke, hooked on secondhand smoke

Believe everything I see on TV
I don’t read books
I watch movies I don’t understand
cause I’m an idiot

Put another crack in the Liberty Bell
They took me away, put me in a cell
I’m going to hell
cause I’m an idiot

I bought a big mansion
just outside of Branson
I got kicked out of Hanson
cause I’m an idiot

I’m an idiot and I like my life just fine
I’m an idiot, won’t you be mine?
Track Name: Princess From Saturn
PRINCESS FROM SATURN © 2002 Acoustic Ross

She came from outer space to represent her race
in her little green machine
I saw her standing there, blue flowers in her hair
more beauty I’d never seen
When she turned out the lights
my wretched lonely life, it came apart at all the seams
She put her lips to mine, she dug into my spine
I lapsed into that same old dream

She came into my place, I looked into her face
she was just as scared as I
I made her feel at home, I knew she’d come alone
if she went back alone I’d die
I tried to keep her around
I burned her spaceship down and locked her in my secret room
I knew it couldn’t last
I watched through two-way glass and called the Weekly World News

I sat awake all night bathed in the firelight
she curled up in a ball on the floor
I watched her cry green tears with my surveillance gear
and slid her Pop-Tarts under the door
I felt a twinge of doubt - is this what love is about?
So this idea maybe wasn’t my best
I don’t know who I should tell, the house is starting to smell
and there’s this alien goop on my vest

Went up the second day, see if she wants to play
the door was broken clean in two
The glowing footprints told me she was on her way
raced to the field but I already knew
The silver ashes becoming her machine once more
I should have known it all along
This perfect woman, dumping me in perfect style
now all I’ve got’s this stupid song

She blasted off from me, it singed the hair off me
I stood and cried the whole night long
When I went back inside, I nearly almost died
I tried too hard, did everything wrong

So now I’m bald, alone, it’s nothing new, she’s gone
It’s like she never really came
I lie awake all night, lie in the field all night
Sometimes the stars spell out her name
Track Name: Nothing Ever Happens
NOTHING EVER HAPPENS © 2002 Acoustic Ross

I lost a toe in a bar fight
My drug-addicted ex-wife is a porno star
She got abducted by the mother ship
and my evil twin stole my car

My sister’s been dating a sasquatch
He treats her really bad and you should smell those shoes
The people around me make daytime TV look like the 10 o’clock news

My uncle spontaneously combusted
the spirit of grandma just won’t leave us alone
I’m pretty sure my kids are children of the corn
and the CIA tapped my phone

My neighbors are plotting against me
Mom got pregnant by her former ex-husband
My teeth and hair all fell out today
and I got kicked out of a one-man band

Now I used to wish that I could be famous
and I waited for a sign
When I wished for a life that would put me in the tabloids
this isn’t what I had in mind

They airbrushed me out of the yearbook
the psychic hotline isn’t taking my calls
I lost my job at the asbestos plant
and I’ve got this rash on my back

My girlfriend got killed by the Blair Witch
My feminine side just wants to be friends
I wrote a hit song that misused the word “ironic”
And this one has a kinda crappy end.
Track Name: Don't Get Me Wrong
DON’T GET ME WRONG © 2002 Acoustic Ross

I’m not renowned for my optimism
more for skepticism, criticism
I know I’m the boy
who sarcastically cried ‘wolf’ through a smirk
I’m not turning over new leaves
but something’s happened to me
And lately I find myself actually smiling at work

It’s a movie I wanted to make
about hope, love and faith
And I still hope someday I get that chance
It’s a cycle I wanted to break
it’s a class that I still want to take
It’s potential – a step that might turn into a dance
(Or I might slip, and fall on my ass – too soon to tell)

Don’t get me wrong
this ain’t a love song
it’s just a hope song

I never really learned to play piano
It’s only by default I play guitar
Never dated much, I don’t mind being by myself
My biological clock keeps blinking 12:00 12:00 12:00 12:00

Now I don’t want to jinx this, don’t want to move too fast
No I don’t want to screw things up again
So I’ll just say I had a nice time, maybe I’ll call you this weekend
When all I can think is “when can you move in?”
(take it easy... play it cool... or at least learn to fake it pretty well)

Don’t get me wrong
this ain’t a love song
it’s just a hope song

Now I don’t know if this tale has a happy ending
Right now I don’t care how it ends at all
Cause frankly I’m enjoying this happy beginning
Hell, I might even wait five minutes to return your call
(if I can even wait five seconds – which isn’t very likely)

Don’t get me wrong
this ain’t a love song
it’s just a hope song

It’s a battle I’m ready to fight
It’s a torch I’m ready to light
It’s a love song I’m almost ready to write

Don’t get me wrong
this ain’t a love song
it’s just a hope song
and I hope you like it.
Track Name: Pieces of Me
PIECES OF ME © 2002 Acoustic Ross

It’s time I got my ass in gear
I don’t have the stomach for this business
It’s been six weeks since you were here
And now my heart’s not in this

I’ve got one foot in the grave
but the rest of me might be saved
Baby I go to pieces when you’re around

Butterflies in my stomach, both hands on the wheel
What happened to my nerves of steel?
My foot in the door, my lips are still sealed
My head up my ass is still technically head over heels

I grease my hair with Crisco*
I left my heart in San Francisco
Baby I go to pieces when you’re around

(EKG solo)

I bury my head in the sand
and all my combat’s hand to hand
Baby I go to pieces when you’re around

Now I’ve got my head in the game
Got my nose to the grindstone, and I’ll shoulder the blame
It’s all in my head, but my head’s in a vice
I’d lift a finger, but it wouldn’t be nice

So you can kiss my ass in traction
my body of work is out of action
Baby I go to pieces when you’re around

I asked you to remember me
you thought I said “dismember me”
Baby I go to pieces when you’re around

You took my hand
You stole my heart
You buried the rest in a box in the yard
Baby I go to pieces when you’re around.


* sorry, I very apologize for this line.
Track Name: Tribute Album
TRIBUTE ALBUM © 2002 Acoustic Ross

Well it was awful nice to be here on this planet
And I wish I could have stayed for a longer time
But I knew my shelf life was limited
I figured I’d die young
At least the music that I made is still alive

I got my own tribute album
All my friends each took a shot
recording all my catchiest songs
I hope it sells a lot
I got my own tribute album
and I’ll tell you this one time:
Madonna's version of ‘Idiot’ is WAY better than mine

Friday I’m playing for tips in a pizza shop in Tulsa
Then, live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!
Sunday I’m just another one-hit wonder living in the past
In a ‘where are they now?’ segment on Entertainment Tonight

All the booze, drugs, girls, and money, they soon ran out
Then depression, Betty Ford, and a new CD
Then VH1 comes calling, Comeback Tour with a capital C
Aye, there’s the rub – that’s when I o.d.

I got my own tribute album
it’s an overnight success
Please buy my tribute album and forget about all the rest
Straight to the top and straight back down
I’ll tell you this one time
This album is ten times better than any of mine

It sold a million copies in my hometown
and it sold a million more overseas
And thanks to tracks from REM, U2 and TLC (RIP)
it sold to people who’d never even heard of me
Now I want to say I’m sorry to all the people
who bought it thinking it sounded anything like me
Conversely, I want to say I’m sorry if you found out the hard way
It’s the only decent record adorned with a picture of me

I got my own tribute album, it’s out on MCA
You bought my tribute album, do you even know my name?
It’s got tracks from all your favorite stars
and I’ll tell you this one time
The supersecret bonus track hidden at the end?
It’s not even one of mine

I made about a dozen albums, and they’re really all pretty lame
But thanks to my tribute album I’m in the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame

I got my own tribute album, and I’ll tell you this one time
This album is ten times better than each and every one of mine.
Track Name: Ed's Secret Identity
ED’S SECRET IDENTITY © 2002 Acoustic Ross

I’ve never carried survivors out of a burning high-rise
Haven’t found a cure for the common cold
Never done a thing in my life that’ll look good on my tombstone
Guess that’ll have to wait till I get old

I’ve never caught a bullet between my teeth
Never closed a case, or collared a thief
I’ve never stopped a runaway train in its tracks
or even planted a tree
I won’t feed the world, I won’t save the day
I won’t change your life, but that’s okay
Sometimes I think my secret power is just getting through the day

Make some toast and coffee, quick shave and a shower
Feed the cats and I’m on my way
Don’t wear a watch anymore, but I think today is Thursday
Hard to tell, they’re all pretty much the same

I’ve never caught a bullet between my teeth
Never closed a case, or collared a thief
I’ve never stopped a runaway train in its tracks
or even planted a tree
I won’t feed the world, I won’t save the day
I won’t change your life, but that’s okay
Sometimes I think my secret power is just getting through the day

Fast food, put some music on, there’s nothing good on TV
I’d call but I don’t really think I should
I think I’ve seen this movie one too many times
At least the soundtrack’s pretty good...

Things haven’t changed that much since you were hear beside me
I still have these flashes every day
But if I know anything, I know I can get through this
I’m not all right, but I’m okay

I’ve never caught a bullet between my teeth
Never closed a case, or collared a thief
I’ve never stopped a runaway train in its tracks
or even planted a tree
I won’t feed the world, I won’t save the day
I won’t change your life, but that’s okay
Sometimes I think my secret power is just getting through the day
Track Name: Suitcase Campus
SUITCASE CAMPUS © 2002 Acoustic Ross

I’m a lonely state school freshman, I’ve got all I need
My high school girlfriend, I still call her every day each week
I go home to see her often, kiss her on the cheek
My roommate is an upperclassman, he says I’m a geek

He says the phone bill’s way too high, I shouldn’t call so much
My parents, they agree, they say I should make her go Dutch
But every night when I’m ready for bed
I can’t hold back those thoughts in my head
I reminisce and grab the phone, I reach out and touch someone

I wish I were still in high school, then everything would be okay
I wish I were still in high school, why’d I have to graduate?
I miss all those crazy times, I miss all those friends of mine
And if I were still there that would be fine

I go to the dining hall and I eat all alone
And every week goes by and then I drive myself back home
Maybe I should stay on campus and make a couple friends
But all the friends I left back home, well what would they do then?

Within two weeks they would forget, and think that I was dead
They’d start having fun without me, where would I be then?
So every Friday I get in my car and drive on home, it’s not that far
I reminisce about the past and try to bring those good times back

I wish I were still in high school, then everything would be okay
I wish I were still in high school, why’d I have to graduate?
I miss all those crazy times, I miss all those friends of mine
And if I were still there that would be fine

Well now I’m almost thirty and I’m out there on my own
The basement of my parents’ house, a computer and a phone
I pledged a big fraternity, my brothers stick to me like glue
We get together once a year and drink till we all puke

And in between reunions I think about the glory days
I email all my brothers and wonder why I can’t get laid
And once a year we go back to school
the new brothers think we’re really cool
We reminisce about the past, cause girlfriends and DUIs never last

I wish I were still in college, then everything would be okay
I wish I were still in college, why’d I have to graduate?
I miss all those drunken plans, I miss all those one-night stands
And if I were still there that would be grand
Track Name: Souvenirs
SOUVENIRS © 2002 Acoustic Ross

You read me letters from a pen pal you lost twenty years ago
You still sleep with pieces of your blankie
You show me pictures you took on field trips, horrible pictures
And valentines from everyone but me

You show your teeth to me, your baby teeth
they’re in that box on the shelf With some magazines
Highlights, Bananas, Ranger Rick too
Broken headphones, cartoons, clippings, matchbooks and shot glasses
Is everything sacred to you?

You’re a keeper
You can’t bear to throw a single thing away
You keep me guessing every day
You’re a keeper
You keep everything but what you really need
Save some room in there for me

You make us dinner in your toaster oven, potluck and leftovers
In cracked dishes your Grandma once threw out
You dress up in old hand-me-downs your sister gave up long ago
You make cut-offs when the knees wear out
You’ve got a full house
and I do mean full, there’s nary an inch to spare
Your crap is piled up everywhere
I’m not sure I like the shrine to boyfriends
with the candles and effigies
But I guess I would if I were there

You’re a keeper
You can’t bear to throw a single thing away
You keep me guessing every day
You’re a keeper
You keep everything but what you really need
Save some room in there for me

Bumper stickers, concert ticket stubs, report cards and kitchen magnets
CDs, 8-tracks, 78, 45, 33
Half-finished crossword puzzles, crayons, keychains, license plates
And field day trophies from 1983
I wrote you dozens of love letters, but you can’t find them anywhere
Maybe they’re buried underneath your bed
I just wanna be a part of your life, so file me away somewhere
Or burn it all and let me in instead

You’re a keeper
You can’t bear to throw a single thing away
You keep me guessing every day
You’re a keeper
You keep everything but what you really need
And what you really need is me
Track Name: Time For One More
TIME FOR ONE MORE © 2002 Acoustic Ross

One last song and then I’ll be on my way
One last song then I can get on with my life
I’ve had enough of this lukewarm appreciation for one night
I’m packing up, I’m heading out

One last song and then we’re all on our way
One last song then we can pay our bills and leave a tiny tip
You call this entertainment? Yeah right
Sounds pretty much like crap to me

There’s two guys who do covers but they get the words all wrong
There’s three guys who do improv
thank God the sets are only ten minutes long
Then there’s that guy who sings that stupid “Idiot” song
I saw this once before, but that time they had a gong

One last song and one more wasted evening
No free drinks, no cash, no audience at all
except the boyfriend of the waitress who I thought was cute
Oh well, I’m packing up, I’m moving on

One last song
I wonder where the gang from work was?
I guess it’s better anyhow
Forgot the words again, a string broke, and I dropped a pick
And I drank too much coffee and played too fast

There’s two girls who were pretty good
and they played my favorite song
There’s one kid who reads poetry and pronounces ‘angst’ wrong
Then there’s that guy who sings that stupid “Idiot” song
I saw this once before, but that time they had a gong

One last song and then we’re all on our way
One last song then we’ll forget about tonight
It’s thrilling, disappointing, painful, and endearing
And I won’t be back until tomorrow night.