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News From Around The Bend

by Acoustic Ross

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1.
Over You Now 02:19
OVER YOU NOW © 2002 Acoustic Ross I stole your car and blew up your house but I think I’m over you now I stalked your friends and I ate your dog but I think I’m over you now I watched you at school for a week or two until I knew that it was true That this was love and we had to be together in spite of you I painted your name on the walls of the school but I think I’m over you now I sent a few notes, I sent a few bombs but I think I’m over you now I followed you home and I followed you in and I watched from under the bed I sent you my ear, I sent you my arm and I taped everything you said I painted my name on the back of your car but I think I’m over you now I shaved my head and burned down my house but I think I’m over you now I burned you in effigy (into my flesh) and I kidnapped your mom and dad I went to jail, I flunked my test and now I think I’ve got it bad Now the shrink says I’m obsessive, but I don’t know I guess I just fall in love too fast So if you still want me I’ll be out in 8 years maybe we can have another blast Well I hung myself in prison so I could get out and I’m just a spirit now I’m gonna haunt your house for the rest of time I guess I’m really over you now And I’m watching over you now And I’m hovering over you now I’m really over you now
2.
83 Ribbons 03:19
83 RIBBONS © 2002 Acoustic Ross I’ve got 83 ribbons every color from here to there One for every concern but I never know which one to wear I say just what I think (at least what I think I think) I stand for my beliefs I stand for everything I got the first ribbon for AIDS awareness two was for abstinence Three and four, pornography (one for and one against) Five and six, drugs and alcohol seven fur, eight for the environment Nine is anti-smoking ten ten ten ten for everything everything everything everything (Eleven for plagiarism) Everyone’s gotta believe in something but I can’t make up my mind Everyone’s got a cause to fight for and all of them are mine I've got a song in my heart and my heart on my sleeve and I know one thing for sure: My cause is bigger than yours. I buy a lot of records but only if they’re benefit I donate my parents’ money but all of it’s nonprofit I’m Sinead, I’m Sting, I’m the Cranberries I’m Rage Against The Machine I know my side will win one day cause I’m on every team Everyone’s gotta believe in something but I can’t make up my mind Everyone’s got a cause to fight for and all of them are mine I've got a song in my heart and my heart on my sleeve and I know one thing for sure: My cause is bigger than yours. I’ve got one each for the Bill of Rights which brings it to 21 A green one for the rainforest the blue one’s got something to do with guns There’s one for every state in the union nine for the Supreme Court The last one’s for independence cause I’m against any kind of support Everyone’s gotta believe in something but I can’t make up my mind Everyone’s got a cause to fight for and all of them are mine I've got a song in my heart and my heart on my sleeve and I know one thing for sure: My cause is bigger than yours.
3.
Idiot 02:14
IDIOT © 2002 Acoustic Ross I sent a big check to a TV preacher Don’t play the game, I watch from the bleachers I hate teachers cause I’m an idiot I don’t rock the boat I don’t wear a coat I don’t even vote cause I’m an idiot I’m an idiot and I like my life just fine I’m an idiot, won’t you be mine? Spent all my money on a really nice casket Put all my eggs and then dropped the basket A tisket, a tasket I’m an idiot I o.d.’d on sugar I’ve eaten a booger proposed to a hooker cause I’m an idiot I’m an idiot and I like my life just fine I’m an idiot, won’t you be mine? A box of rocks, I’m dumb as an ox I don’t get the joke, hooked on secondhand smoke Believe everything I see on TV I don’t read books I watch movies I don’t understand cause I’m an idiot Put another crack in the Liberty Bell They took me away, put me in a cell I’m going to hell cause I’m an idiot I bought a big mansion just outside of Branson I got kicked out of Hanson cause I’m an idiot I’m an idiot and I like my life just fine I’m an idiot, won’t you be mine?
4.
PRINCESS FROM SATURN © 2002 Acoustic Ross She came from outer space to represent her race in her little green machine I saw her standing there, blue flowers in her hair more beauty I’d never seen When she turned out the lights my wretched lonely life, it came apart at all the seams She put her lips to mine, she dug into my spine I lapsed into that same old dream She came into my place, I looked into her face she was just as scared as I I made her feel at home, I knew she’d come alone if she went back alone I’d die I tried to keep her around I burned her spaceship down and locked her in my secret room I knew it couldn’t last I watched through two-way glass and called the Weekly World News I sat awake all night bathed in the firelight she curled up in a ball on the floor I watched her cry green tears with my surveillance gear and slid her Pop-Tarts under the door I felt a twinge of doubt - is this what love is about? So this idea maybe wasn’t my best I don’t know who I should tell, the house is starting to smell and there’s this alien goop on my vest Went up the second day, see if she wants to play the door was broken clean in two The glowing footprints told me she was on her way raced to the field but I already knew The silver ashes becoming her machine once more I should have known it all along This perfect woman, dumping me in perfect style now all I’ve got’s this stupid song She blasted off from me, it singed the hair off me I stood and cried the whole night long When I went back inside, I nearly almost died I tried too hard, did everything wrong So now I’m bald, alone, it’s nothing new, she’s gone It’s like she never really came I lie awake all night, lie in the field all night Sometimes the stars spell out her name
5.
NOTHING EVER HAPPENS © 2002 Acoustic Ross I lost a toe in a bar fight My drug-addicted ex-wife is a porno star She got abducted by the mother ship and my evil twin stole my car My sister’s been dating a sasquatch He treats her really bad and you should smell those shoes The people around me make daytime TV look like the 10 o’clock news My uncle spontaneously combusted the spirit of grandma just won’t leave us alone I’m pretty sure my kids are children of the corn and the CIA tapped my phone My neighbors are plotting against me Mom got pregnant by her former ex-husband My teeth and hair all fell out today and I got kicked out of a one-man band Now I used to wish that I could be famous and I waited for a sign When I wished for a life that would put me in the tabloids this isn’t what I had in mind They airbrushed me out of the yearbook the psychic hotline isn’t taking my calls I lost my job at the asbestos plant and I’ve got this rash on my back My girlfriend got killed by the Blair Witch My feminine side just wants to be friends I wrote a hit song that misused the word “ironic” And this one has a kinda crappy end.
6.
DON’T GET ME WRONG © 2002 Acoustic Ross I’m not renowned for my optimism more for skepticism, criticism I know I’m the boy who sarcastically cried ‘wolf’ through a smirk I’m not turning over new leaves but something’s happened to me And lately I find myself actually smiling at work It’s a movie I wanted to make about hope, love and faith And I still hope someday I get that chance It’s a cycle I wanted to break it’s a class that I still want to take It’s potential – a step that might turn into a dance (Or I might slip, and fall on my ass – too soon to tell) Don’t get me wrong this ain’t a love song it’s just a hope song I never really learned to play piano It’s only by default I play guitar Never dated much, I don’t mind being by myself My biological clock keeps blinking 12:00 12:00 12:00 12:00 Now I don’t want to jinx this, don’t want to move too fast No I don’t want to screw things up again So I’ll just say I had a nice time, maybe I’ll call you this weekend When all I can think is “when can you move in?” (take it easy... play it cool... or at least learn to fake it pretty well) Don’t get me wrong this ain’t a love song it’s just a hope song Now I don’t know if this tale has a happy ending Right now I don’t care how it ends at all Cause frankly I’m enjoying this happy beginning Hell, I might even wait five minutes to return your call (if I can even wait five seconds – which isn’t very likely) Don’t get me wrong this ain’t a love song it’s just a hope song It’s a battle I’m ready to fight It’s a torch I’m ready to light It’s a love song I’m almost ready to write Don’t get me wrong this ain’t a love song it’s just a hope song and I hope you like it.
7.
Pieces of Me 02:46
PIECES OF ME © 2002 Acoustic Ross It’s time I got my ass in gear I don’t have the stomach for this business It’s been six weeks since you were here And now my heart’s not in this I’ve got one foot in the grave but the rest of me might be saved Baby I go to pieces when you’re around Butterflies in my stomach, both hands on the wheel What happened to my nerves of steel? My foot in the door, my lips are still sealed My head up my ass is still technically head over heels I grease my hair with Crisco* I left my heart in San Francisco Baby I go to pieces when you’re around (EKG solo) I bury my head in the sand and all my combat’s hand to hand Baby I go to pieces when you’re around Now I’ve got my head in the game Got my nose to the grindstone, and I’ll shoulder the blame It’s all in my head, but my head’s in a vice I’d lift a finger, but it wouldn’t be nice So you can kiss my ass in traction my body of work is out of action Baby I go to pieces when you’re around I asked you to remember me you thought I said “dismember me” Baby I go to pieces when you’re around You took my hand You stole my heart You buried the rest in a box in the yard Baby I go to pieces when you’re around. * sorry, I very apologize for this line.
8.
TRIBUTE ALBUM © 2002 Acoustic Ross Well it was awful nice to be here on this planet And I wish I could have stayed for a longer time But I knew my shelf life was limited I figured I’d die young At least the music that I made is still alive I got my own tribute album All my friends each took a shot recording all my catchiest songs I hope it sells a lot I got my own tribute album and I’ll tell you this one time: Madonna's version of ‘Idiot’ is WAY better than mine Friday I’m playing for tips in a pizza shop in Tulsa Then, live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night! Sunday I’m just another one-hit wonder living in the past In a ‘where are they now?’ segment on Entertainment Tonight All the booze, drugs, girls, and money, they soon ran out Then depression, Betty Ford, and a new CD Then VH1 comes calling, Comeback Tour with a capital C Aye, there’s the rub – that’s when I o.d. I got my own tribute album it’s an overnight success Please buy my tribute album and forget about all the rest Straight to the top and straight back down I’ll tell you this one time This album is ten times better than any of mine It sold a million copies in my hometown and it sold a million more overseas And thanks to tracks from REM, U2 and TLC (RIP) it sold to people who’d never even heard of me Now I want to say I’m sorry to all the people who bought it thinking it sounded anything like me Conversely, I want to say I’m sorry if you found out the hard way It’s the only decent record adorned with a picture of me I got my own tribute album, it’s out on MCA You bought my tribute album, do you even know my name? It’s got tracks from all your favorite stars and I’ll tell you this one time The supersecret bonus track hidden at the end? It’s not even one of mine I made about a dozen albums, and they’re really all pretty lame But thanks to my tribute album I’m in the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame I got my own tribute album, and I’ll tell you this one time This album is ten times better than each and every one of mine.
9.
ED’S SECRET IDENTITY © 2002 Acoustic Ross I’ve never carried survivors out of a burning high-rise Haven’t found a cure for the common cold Never done a thing in my life that’ll look good on my tombstone Guess that’ll have to wait till I get old I’ve never caught a bullet between my teeth Never closed a case, or collared a thief I’ve never stopped a runaway train in its tracks or even planted a tree I won’t feed the world, I won’t save the day I won’t change your life, but that’s okay Sometimes I think my secret power is just getting through the day Make some toast and coffee, quick shave and a shower Feed the cats and I’m on my way Don’t wear a watch anymore, but I think today is Thursday Hard to tell, they’re all pretty much the same I’ve never caught a bullet between my teeth Never closed a case, or collared a thief I’ve never stopped a runaway train in its tracks or even planted a tree I won’t feed the world, I won’t save the day I won’t change your life, but that’s okay Sometimes I think my secret power is just getting through the day Fast food, put some music on, there’s nothing good on TV I’d call but I don’t really think I should I think I’ve seen this movie one too many times At least the soundtrack’s pretty good... Things haven’t changed that much since you were hear beside me I still have these flashes every day But if I know anything, I know I can get through this I’m not all right, but I’m okay I’ve never caught a bullet between my teeth Never closed a case, or collared a thief I’ve never stopped a runaway train in its tracks or even planted a tree I won’t feed the world, I won’t save the day I won’t change your life, but that’s okay Sometimes I think my secret power is just getting through the day
10.
SUITCASE CAMPUS © 2002 Acoustic Ross I’m a lonely state school freshman, I’ve got all I need My high school girlfriend, I still call her every day each week I go home to see her often, kiss her on the cheek My roommate is an upperclassman, he says I’m a geek He says the phone bill’s way too high, I shouldn’t call so much My parents, they agree, they say I should make her go Dutch But every night when I’m ready for bed I can’t hold back those thoughts in my head I reminisce and grab the phone, I reach out and touch someone I wish I were still in high school, then everything would be okay I wish I were still in high school, why’d I have to graduate? I miss all those crazy times, I miss all those friends of mine And if I were still there that would be fine I go to the dining hall and I eat all alone And every week goes by and then I drive myself back home Maybe I should stay on campus and make a couple friends But all the friends I left back home, well what would they do then? Within two weeks they would forget, and think that I was dead They’d start having fun without me, where would I be then? So every Friday I get in my car and drive on home, it’s not that far I reminisce about the past and try to bring those good times back I wish I were still in high school, then everything would be okay I wish I were still in high school, why’d I have to graduate? I miss all those crazy times, I miss all those friends of mine And if I were still there that would be fine Well now I’m almost thirty and I’m out there on my own The basement of my parents’ house, a computer and a phone I pledged a big fraternity, my brothers stick to me like glue We get together once a year and drink till we all puke And in between reunions I think about the glory days I email all my brothers and wonder why I can’t get laid And once a year we go back to school the new brothers think we’re really cool We reminisce about the past, cause girlfriends and DUIs never last I wish I were still in college, then everything would be okay I wish I were still in college, why’d I have to graduate? I miss all those drunken plans, I miss all those one-night stands And if I were still there that would be grand
11.
Souvenirs 04:40
SOUVENIRS © 2002 Acoustic Ross You read me letters from a pen pal you lost twenty years ago You still sleep with pieces of your blankie You show me pictures you took on field trips, horrible pictures And valentines from everyone but me You show your teeth to me, your baby teeth they’re in that box on the shelf With some magazines Highlights, Bananas, Ranger Rick too Broken headphones, cartoons, clippings, matchbooks and shot glasses Is everything sacred to you? You’re a keeper You can’t bear to throw a single thing away You keep me guessing every day You’re a keeper You keep everything but what you really need Save some room in there for me You make us dinner in your toaster oven, potluck and leftovers In cracked dishes your Grandma once threw out You dress up in old hand-me-downs your sister gave up long ago You make cut-offs when the knees wear out You’ve got a full house and I do mean full, there’s nary an inch to spare Your crap is piled up everywhere I’m not sure I like the shrine to boyfriends with the candles and effigies But I guess I would if I were there You’re a keeper You can’t bear to throw a single thing away You keep me guessing every day You’re a keeper You keep everything but what you really need Save some room in there for me Bumper stickers, concert ticket stubs, report cards and kitchen magnets CDs, 8-tracks, 78, 45, 33 Half-finished crossword puzzles, crayons, keychains, license plates And field day trophies from 1983 I wrote you dozens of love letters, but you can’t find them anywhere Maybe they’re buried underneath your bed I just wanna be a part of your life, so file me away somewhere Or burn it all and let me in instead You’re a keeper You can’t bear to throw a single thing away You keep me guessing every day You’re a keeper You keep everything but what you really need And what you really need is me
12.
TIME FOR ONE MORE © 2002 Acoustic Ross One last song and then I’ll be on my way One last song then I can get on with my life I’ve had enough of this lukewarm appreciation for one night I’m packing up, I’m heading out One last song and then we’re all on our way One last song then we can pay our bills and leave a tiny tip You call this entertainment? Yeah right Sounds pretty much like crap to me There’s two guys who do covers but they get the words all wrong There’s three guys who do improv thank God the sets are only ten minutes long Then there’s that guy who sings that stupid “Idiot” song I saw this once before, but that time they had a gong One last song and one more wasted evening No free drinks, no cash, no audience at all except the boyfriend of the waitress who I thought was cute Oh well, I’m packing up, I’m moving on One last song I wonder where the gang from work was? I guess it’s better anyhow Forgot the words again, a string broke, and I dropped a pick And I drank too much coffee and played too fast There’s two girls who were pretty good and they played my favorite song There’s one kid who reads poetry and pronounces ‘angst’ wrong Then there’s that guy who sings that stupid “Idiot” song I saw this once before, but that time they had a gong One last song and then we’re all on our way One last song then we’ll forget about tonight It’s thrilling, disappointing, painful, and endearing And I won’t be back until tomorrow night.
13.
14.

about

The first 'official' Acoustic Ross release, and the first time I wasn't making all the copies myself at home (although that IS how I did the packaging). Released shortly before the word 'Acoustic' became a permanent addition (the second pressing includes the Acoustic Ross moniker).

Recorded at home in early 2002. A few of these tracks appeared on earlier releases -- several of them on Where Is Everybody? -- but these are all brand-new 'definitive' recordings. I can still listen to this without (much) physical pain, which puts it WAY ahead of its predecessors.

credits

released March 16, 2002

CREDITS: Acoustic Ross - literally every single thing.

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Acoustic Ross Tulsa, Oklahoma

Either Tulsa's funniest musician or its most musical comedian, Acoustic Ross has written & performed original AntiFolk/comedy music for 25+ years, released 7 albums, served as house musician/MC in carnival sideshow, & played nearly 400 shows in venues sizing from Cain's Ballroom to a school bus.

Check out acousticross.com/category/media for a handful of tracks not available here!
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