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The 918 UFN EP

by Acoustic Ross

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1.
SWEPT DOWN THE PLAIN © 2004 Acoustic Ross I came here from a land up north of the line It looks like I might stick around this time If you can get past my accent and this loud acoustic din It’s a story about a guy not exactly fitting in Where I grew up, we never had tornadoes, but there was a basement in every house in town Now I live in Oklahoma, where it’s the other way around Well I don’t know which one is worse But I do know ‘you all’ is two separate words I’m a yankee, just a yankee still a yankee, but I’m willing to learn I’ve been kicking around this scene for six long years All I found was cockfighting, Garth, and 3.2 beer It could be worse – this could be Alabama And I’m finally getting used to saying “Prague” and “Miami” So it’s finally time to fish or get off the pot I meet her at a show, she says ‘you’re cool’, I say ‘you’re hot’ And I see it’s time I stopped changing channels I wanna be her knight in shining flannel I’m a yankee, just a yankee still a yankee, but I’m willing to learn I’m a yankee, once a yankee always a yankee, but I’m willing to learn Just when I thought I should cut loose and head on back She touched my chest and whispered, ‘where you been at?’ I might could git along just like a little doggie But now I’m falling for this Okie from some town a little bit east from here From a turnpike twisting through this native nation I’m finally fixing to fix in on this fixation Listening to that rockin’ Rogers radio station Hey, is it me, or is “sooner” slang for premature ejaculation? I’m a yankee, just a yankee still a yankee, but I’m willing to learn I’m a yankee, once a yankee always a yankee, but I’m willing to learn I’m a yankee, born a yankee gonna die a yankee, but I’m willing to learn
2.
TALKIN’ DON’T PICK ON THE BIG GUY BLUES © 2004 Acoustic Ross Well since my baby left me I’ve found a new place to dwell It’s down at the end of lonely street in a house with my old buddy L L. Ron Presley, that is (no relation) So when Tom asked me to play this show, I thought “sounds like fun, but I don’t know any Elvis songs, guess I’ll have to write my own” So I asked L. Ron to help me out, he said “I don’t know what the fuss is all about, they call him The King, but I never saw no crown” He said “all I remember’s the way he died, out on that highway doing 95 With his wife, Jayne Mansfield, at his side” I said “Ron, you might be thinking of someone else…” So I called my Mom to see if she might have some thoughts regarding E I said “Mom, the show’s only seven days away” She said “oh, I remember Elvis, yup, that ‘Candle in the Wind’ song really sucked But that boy was the Liberace of his day” I said “Mom, hang on, that’s Elton John, you’re starting to sound a lot like Ron, Doesn’t anyone remember ‘Blue Suede Shoes?’” She said “what’s Marlin Perkins have to do with this?” I said “could you put Dad on the phone?” I asked this guy I knew from work, frankly he’s usually kind of a jerk, But he really knows his music so I figured what the hey He said “make sure you mention Lisa Marie’s ex-husbands, now she’s up to three, But that middle one Jacko, he’s weird enough for eight” I said “the music’s what I’m interested in” He said “what, you mean ‘Beat It’ or ‘Billie Jean?’” I knew I shouldn’t have come to him in the first place (frankly, I was starting to get a little bit discouraged) I went up to that big old record store The one that’s on the second floor of that bookstore where they also sell overpriced coffee There was just one clerk there who looked kinda hip I said “take me to where Elvis lives” She said “you looking for later stuff or early?” I’m thinking finally, progress! “Early please!” She says “that’s my favorite too” and leads me to a rack and hands me a CD On the cover he’s got the slicked-back hair, guitar and... glasses also there She says “his song ‘Veronica’ really means a lot to me” Elvis Costello. I really shoulda seen that coming. (You should have too.) I was starting to get a little tense Three days away and still on the fence about which way I want this song to go That’s when Woody G appeared to me, he said “talking blues, boy, gotta be” And I knew right then, you don’t tell Woody no He said “stick to the hits, skip the scandal A little respect – this ain’t Tony Randall, it’s the undisputed King of Rock ‘n’ Roll Save all the jokes about his weight, and the drugs, and the craziness For Brian Wilson’s birthday.” Woody said “say what you want about the Vegas trip, this guy had a hundred top 40 hits I think he’s entitled to a little eccentricity Yeah, and managers come and pharmacists go, and pretenders to the throne you know But Elvis never dangled a baby off a balcony” (Woody’s got a point there) So if you’re lonesome tonight, need a hunk of love Return to sender and rise above black velvet paintings and rhinestones all around Yeah, forget Graceland, forget the flicks, Ed Sullivan shooting from the hip The thin one, the fat one – just remember the sound Cause that’s the Elvis who’s never gonna leave the building.
3.
JUST THE THING © 2004 Acoustic Ross This old guitar has seen better days I broke half the strings trying to play ‘Purple Haze’ It’s kinda hard to play acoustic guitar up behind your back But these low ceilings made it easy to put a crack in the neck So I swung it around like Cobain or Townshend on stage Smashed it down on the floor like Loudon on a drunken rampage Next morning I saw the debris, I felt regret and I snapped But I thought, hey, I’ve got just the thing for that It’s stringy, sticky, and it smells like athlete’s feet The only thing in my toolbox, what else would I need? Got a roll in every room and one around my wrist It’s the only standing order on my shopping list It keeps the world together and it doesn’t suck Primer color like an elephant, but it’s made by ducks Can’t get enough of the gray stuff This old house has been through a lot Eighty years old and now everything is going to pot The leaks in the ceiling have now also ruined the floor And the crickets and the spiders ran my dog right out the door The outlets are shorted, my computer’s developed a glitch I’ve got birds in the belfry and the yard really stinks from the ditch The window’s still broken where the burglar he break the latch But I’m pretty certain I’ve got just the thing for that If makes me feel much better in uncertain times like this It binds us all together, keeps us safe from terrorists This old heart has seen better days since we went our proverbial separate ways I can still feel the spot where you tore those ventricles out You were the light of my life even after we burned out I almost never think of you at all anymore Only when I’m at home or at work or when I’m outdoors You left a hole in my life but I’m keeping it under my hat Cause I’m reasonably certain I’ve got just the thing for that It’s stringy, sticky, and it smells like athlete’s feet The only thing in my toolbox, what else would I need? Got a roll in every room and one around my wrist It’s the only standing order on my shopping list It keeps the world together and it doesn’t suck Primer color like an elephant, but it’s made by ducks Can’t get enough of the gray stuff
4.
MEAN SPIRITED CHORUS © 2004 Acoustic Ross Don’t wanna be your bullpen boyfriend Don’t wanna be your backup plan In case of emergency you can break the glass; In case you’re lonely you can kiss my ass.
5.
BAD NIGHT IN BOISE © 2004 Acoustic Ross I thought it might be nice to see you when I went on tour Haven’t seen your face since you moved away last year It was just gonna be a night on your couch But now I’m feeling meaner than Osama the Grouch Crashing with my ex, get me outta here Well your new guy’s kinda balding and he looks overfed But that chubby little twerp’s the one who’s in there sharing your bed Well by morning we’ll see if I can survive It’s torture but this song I’m writing’s keeping me alive Crashing with my ex, can’t get it outta my head I’m crashing with my ex and I don’t know why Can’t catch any Z’s, no matter how I try If I stay any longer gonna go insane But it’s 8 more hours till I can catch a train Crashing with my ex, I think I’m gonna die Well I’m glad you and what’s-his-name came to the show And thanks for the ride but I really wasn’t ready to go Now it’s probably just my own imagination But as I lay here I think I hear fornication Crashing with my ex, but I’m ready to blow So tonight I’m back to being an outsider But I can’t shake the thought of that little punk inside her Room Now it’s not like I still want you to be my girl There’s a beautiful girl out west, and she’s my whole world So don’t take this as me just feeling jealous But can’t you go one damn night without your new fella Crashing with my ex, I think I’m gonna hurl I’m crashing with my ex, and I don’t know why Can’t catch one single Z but I could use a good cry Well the couch is too short and there’s a crick in my neck And my walkman isn’t covering the sound of all the sex Crashing with my ex, I think I’m gonna die Well I’m playing her town again next year But I’ll be damned if I’m sleeping here Crashing with my ex Crashing with my ex Crashing with my ex And this is goodbye.
6.
Adam Brodsky wrote the lyrics. You can probably figure them all out OK. I tweaked like three lines and wrote the very last bit for the one and only performance: Thank you for listening, my name was Ross I drove up from Tulsa, half the country I crossed The songs are all Adam’s, yeah he’s still the boss And the housekeeper on that show “Benson” was Kraus.
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11.
CEILING LIGHT © 2004 Acoustic Ross Don’t want to be famous, no publicity Don’t want to be Superman, just wanna be me Don’t want any trophies or carpets of red Don’t want 15 minutes of sun overhead Don’t want fancy clothing, lifestyles of the rich Don’t want to make a big dent, just a little niche Don’t want lots of money or a people’s award Just making you happy is my only reward Don’t want to be a spotlight or a favorite Sun Don’t wanna be star bright, I just wanna have fun Wish that I maybe, I wish that I might Just wanna be a small fluorescent ceiling light Don’t want the attention of the big interview Don’t want to be anywhere if I’m not with you Don’t want my name in lights, just simplicity Don’t want to be nothing if I can’t be me Don’t want a big seller or a million a week Don’t need the attention that some people seek Don’t want to be featured in a fan magazine Don’t want to dress up if it’s not Halloween Don’t want to be a spotlight or a favorite Sun Don’t wanna be star bright, I just wanna have fun Wish that I maybe, I wish that I might Just wanna be a small fluorescent ceiling light
12.

about

This one's chock full of great stuff. I had a trio of specialty tracks from late 2002 / early 2003 sitting around:

"Just the Thing" -- my entry for the duct tape club contest that I didn't win. May have had something to do with challenging myself to make it clearly be about duct tape without ever using the words 'duct' or 'tape.' Or possibly saying it smells like athlete's feet.

The "Brodsky Megamix" -- which I arranged and learned for a single performance at Adam Brodsky's 2003 CD release party; a song which itself spawned a mini-tour you can read about at acousticross.com.

"Talkin' Don't Pick on the Big Guy Blues" -- also written for a single performance, this time at a January 2003 Elvis Birthday Tribute show hosted by Tom Skinner. RIP Tom and Elvis. (This song actually ended up staying in the live set permanently.)

Then I wrote some other new stuff I liked a lot and decided not to wait until I had a full-length album ready. I should point out, however, that although this is an EP, the total running time including bonus tracks is only 7 minutes shorter than the last full-length CD. (You were expecting me to start doing things that made sense?)

Anyway, with the exception of the archival bonus track "Ceiling Light", these are all NEW recordings from late 2003 / early 2004 during stolen moments between bouts of roof work.

(Don't get me started about the roof.)


SCENE SELECTION:
swept down the plain
talkin' don't pick on the big guy blues
just the thing
mean-spirited chorus
bad night in boise
brodsky megamix

BONUS FEATURES:
talkin' don't pick on the big guy blues (with director's commentary)
just the thing (with director's commentary)
brodsky megamix (with director's commentary)

ARCHIVAL FOOTAGE:
ceiling light (December 1995)

Plus Hidden Bonus Features!

credits

released April 17, 2004

Acoustic Ross - everything again. Including "being amazed people thought that was my real license plate." Adam Brodsky wrote all the good stuff in the megamix, I just cuisinarted it.

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Acoustic Ross Tulsa, Oklahoma

Either Tulsa's funniest musician or its most musical comedian, Acoustic Ross has written & performed original AntiFolk/comedy music for 25+ years, released 7 albums, served as house musician/MC in carnival sideshow, & played nearly 400 shows in venues sizing from Cain's Ballroom to a school bus.

Check out acousticross.com/category/media for a handful of tracks not available here!
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