The Anarchist Fakebook

by Acoustic Ross

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about

By a landslide, the best-sounding Acoustic Ross release. It was a tedious process pulling this thing together but the album is the better for it. I'd been trying to get this thing off the ground since the EP came out four years earlier, and somehow finally managed to pull it off.

Recorded at home in the spring and summer of 2008, through entirely different (and far-superior) equipment than the previous albums. Looking back at the old catalog, you may recognize a couple titles, but these are all-new recordings. This is also the first Acoustic Ross album to actually feature guest musicians.

Much was done in full, long and even first takes, but the part where I just talk for 60 seconds? FOUR TAKES and about 12 edits. True story.

None of these companies have given me anything for telling you I used their equipment, but they're welcome to call with an offer:
Fostex MR-8, Audix OM-2, a sweet Gibson SG, Line 6 Spider II, vibraslap, (we all live in a) yellow tambourine, Boondogs promotional tambourine, Lotus bass, cheap drum kit, Yamaha PSS-560 & PSS-170, Dad's Army harmonica, plastic shaker, L.R. Baggs pickup, Mega Mite megaphone, slapstick, DOD Supra Distortion pedal, Peavey 1604 mixer (best $7 I spent in 2007)...

... and the best damn acoustic A & L ever made, which somehow has tolerated nearly 15 years of violent, string-breaking performances in the hands of an utter lunatic, enduring it all despite a near-total lack of professional maintenance.

I did most of this myself, but I sure as hell didn't do it alone. Thanks to Chuck Whittington, Mark Allender, Gloria Shade, Math Lab & all the guest stars for technical assistance, and by that I mean answering truthfully when I asked "does this sound like shit?"

credits

released July 17, 2008

Written, arranged, produced & performed by Acoustic Ross

with backing vocals by the Lakshmi Singhers and appearances by:
Greg Klaus - stunt guitar on *blushes*
Jeff Graham - stunt guitar on "#95", bass on *blushes*
Dylan Field Turner - drums & voice on track 21 (with greg & jeff & me)

'Ruby' - an Acoustic Ross song written by Math Lab - thus features:
Michael I. - guitar; Jarrod Oakes - bass; Dennis Pagano - drums

Additional thanks to Michael I. for telling me I should write a song called "+3 Sword of Protection," which naturally is dedicated to Gary Gygax.

Recorded, mixed, overthought & overwrought by Acoustic Ross during a tumultuous April-June 2008 at Tulsa's own Northcraft Studios, except the basic tracks on 'Ruby' recorded at 4112 on November 12, 2005.

tags

license

Some rights reserved. Please refer to individual track pages for license info.

about

Acoustic Ross Tulsa, Oklahoma

Either Tulsa's funniest musician or its most musical comedian, Acoustic Ross has written & performed original AntiFolk/comedy music for 20+ years, releasing 5 albums, serving as house musician/MC in carnival sideshow, & playing nearly 400 shows in venues sizing from Cain's Ballroom to a school bus.

Check out www.acousticross.com/sounds.html for a handful of tracks not available here!
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Track Name: History Lesson - Part III
HISTORY LESSON - PART III © 2008 Acoustic Ross

i'm not gonna play any james taylor tonight, no lou reed
i'm scared of needles
i might play acoustic guitar, but the dead kennedys were my beatles
i've been in kind of a foul mood for the last 20 years or so, no less
i don't hate everything yet, but i'm a grumpy old man in progress

wouldn't say i'm a negative guy but my idea bulb is a blacklight
wouldn't say i'm antisocial but i wear my sunglasses at night
doesn't matter what i do for a living, garbage man, emotional baggage handler
i'm kinda like that one guy on 'Friends' but a whole lot more like Chandler

never told you meat was murder
didn't come from a land down under
i didn't start the fire
and i didn't steal garth brooks' thunder*
i've never done the safety dance
nor have i ever danced in the street
i've never rocked down to electric avenue
or argued for one week

but every morning there's a single on the radio
that makes me wanna turn it off
i know it's all his fault, the boxer that recorded it
but he's not the one that pissed me off
something kinda gruesome, it's time the dj grew some
it's ground into the dirt
so now i've gotta hear it 10 times an hour all day at work

i won't be happy till there's a hundred bands that sound just like me
won't be happy till i save up enough for that frontal lobotomy
won't be happy till you put me back into my misery
i won't be happy till i finish writing my unauthorized autobiography

my life is sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll, minus the sex and drugs
it's a stream of semiconsciousness and i don't know what's next
hope you have a good time tonight
i hope you laugh at least a couple of times
and i hope this song is over soon
cause i'm running out of words that... uh, sound the same


* we would also have accepted: and i'm not one of the boys of summer
Track Name: Misanthropic Love Song #95
MISANTHROPIC LOVE SONG #95 © 2008 Acoustic Ross

i drink alone
i live alone
and i sleep with my guitar
and i don't care about no one around me anymore
cause i been pushed and i been kicked
and so i cannot linger
i'm leaving now, i won't be back, i'm giving this life the finger


now i don't know how this began
but i know how it ends
i treat you like a princess, you don't even treat me like a friend
what i'm trying to say is, you drop-kicked my stupid heart into the wall
and i'd rather chew on razor blades than wait for you to call


i thought i'd never be reduced to taking myself out
but sometimes i think i see what great escapes are all about
my standards drop, and still you find new ways to let me down
and if they get any lower, i'll be six feet underground


i drink alone
i live alone
and i sleep with my guitar
and i don't care about no one around me anymore
just leave me out, don't bother me
and you won't be in danger
and don't call me
cause from now on
i only talk to strangers.
Track Name: Pushin' 40 Mid-Crisis-Life Blues
PUSHIN' 40 MID-CRISIS-LIFE BLUES © 2008 Acoustic Ross

i was raised in a small ohio town
went to school where they shot those kids down
tv jobs in town after town, never intending on settling down
till i moved here, and my pace slowed down
i know i just rhymed 'down' with 'down' three times - i don't play by the rules
i'm better than i want to be at suffering fools
i'm not gonna change my life in a day
oh, calgon, take me away

i was brought up on music, and star trek too
three older sisters and i learned soon
to spend a lot of time in my room
if i was a comic then, my thought balloon would read:
this childhood thing is a drag
this growing up crap just isn't my bag
i wanna be older and wiser, fast
these formative years need to be in my past
i was awkward and sad, and development bored me
even then i wanted to be pushing 40

they used me as a human remote control
i thought that music might save my soul
so i locked myself away with my collection
and memorized everything from abba to zeppelin
i didn't care about style or forms, my favorite stuff never fit any norms
music was power, and if it was done right
i would listen and study it every damn night
metal and jazz and punk and new age and folk and funk
and i dreamed of the stage

i couldn't dance, but i had my own car
i stopped caring how lucky the kids with dates are
i got older in time and i bought a guitar
and i moved to the stage from the back of the bar
and i moved to missouri, a solo act
wrote some funny songs, most were just crap
moved on to tulsa, started building a life
while most guys my age were already taking wives
but following rules always did bore me
still just wanted to be pushing 40

it's not always fun and games in my head
some days i think i should put this to bed
i get what tom lehrer meant when he said:
when mozart was my age, he was already dead
you damn kids, get off my lawn
don't make me turn around this song
i wait and i wonder and i feel myself age
and i realize i'm ripening right here on stage
my thirties were chaos, but at least they didn't bore me
holy crap, now i AM pushing 40

my life was in turmoil, it was all my damn fault
the good times seemed like they'd screeched to a halt
so i gathered my gear and set out to record
a new record that i could maybe adore
and i brought in some friends, we were right on the verge
new ideas came up and a new sound emerged
suddenly i had it, one more new trick, a new 12-bar blues to make this thing stick
i'll put it up front so we get to it shortly
i'll sing about how i LIKE pushing 40.
Track Name: Swept Down The Plain
SWEPT DOWN THE PLAIN © 2004 Acoustic Ross

I came here from a land up north of the line
It looks like I might stick around this time
If you can get past my accent and this loud acoustic din
It’s a story about a guy not exactly fitting in

Where I grew up, we never had tornadoes,
but there was a basement in every house in town
Now I live in Oklahoma, where it’s the other way around
Well I don’t know which one is worse
But I do know ‘you all’ is two separate words

I’m a yankee, just a yankee
still a yankee, but I’m willing to learn

I’ve been kicking around this scene for six long years
All I found was cockfighting, Garth, and 3.2 beer
It could be worse – this could be Alabama
And I’m finally getting used to saying “Prague” and “Miami”

So it’s finally time to fish or get off the pot
I meet her at a show, she says ‘you’re cool’, I say ‘you’re hot’
And I see it’s time I stopped changing channels
I wanna be her knight in shining flannel

I’m a yankee, just a yankee
still a yankee, but I’m willing to learn

I’m a yankee, once a yankee
always a yankee, but I’m willing to learn

Just when I thought I should cut loose and head on back
She touched my chest and whispered, ‘where you been at?’
I might could git along just like a little doggie
But now I’m falling for this Okie from some town a little bit east from here

From a turnpike twisting through this native nation
I’m finally fixing to fix in on this fixation
Listening to that rockin’ Rogers radio station
Hey, is it me, or is “sooner” slang for premature ejaculation?

I’m a yankee, just a yankee
still a yankee, but I’m willing to learn

I’m a yankee, once a yankee
always a yankee, but I’m willing to learn

I’m a yankee, born a yankee
gonna die a yankee, but I’m willing to learn
Track Name: +3 Sword of Protection
+3 SWORD OF PROTECTION © 2008 Acoustic Ross

i wish that i could get my first tattoo
i wish i didn't have to work the drive-thru
i'll see you in study hall, bring your monster manual
i've got a new spell i wanna try out on you

you have the blackest hair i've ever seen
it sticks up above your dungeon master screen
i named a character after you in the script i sent the buffy crew
if it gets made i'll take you there with me

i've got a +3 sword of protection
dr. who tapes and a box of old x-men
my brother's lord of the rings and my very own x-wing
and seven of nine's autograph from the last convention

i wish that i could take you to the dance
i'd take my sword and you could bring your lance
but all that i can do is write elvish hymns to you
and use the klingon word for necromance

i've got a +3 sword of protection
dr. who tapes and a box of old x-men
my brother's lord of the rings and my very own x-wing
and seven of nine's autograph from the last convention

we made a pact and sealed it with our blood
together always our unending love
the tallest peak around, i tried to chicken out
you said come on and gave us both a shove
i broke my legs you broke a collarbone
our parents broke us up now we're alone
but when i'm up to snuff i'm gonna steal your father's truck
we'll take our stuff and find ourselves a home

i've got a +3 sword of protection
dr. who tapes and a box of old x-men
my brother's lord of the rings and my very own x-wing
and seven of nine's autograph from the last convention
shatner's autograph
sulu's autograph from the last convention
Track Name: *blushes*
*blushes* © 2008 Acoustic Ross

i was walking past your desk one afternoon
don't know where you were, you must've been in the breakroom
i always had an office crush on you
i had a latte in my head and i was humming a tune

i tripped and spilled my coffee on your desk
keyboard with double cream, my khakis a mess
to get a better look i quickly undressed
and started drying off with your whole box of kleenex

that's when you walked in and you let out a scream
i shouted 'what you think you saw you did not see'
i told the story ten more times on the way to the unemployment line
that what you think you saw you did not see
it's not how it looks

after a couple months i missed my old work friends
i thought maybe we'd catch up some random weekend
one night i saw you at the bar with your new boyfriend
six shots later i knew i was on the mend
six more shots later, six more shots later

i woke up in a park at half past noon
kinda breezy out, i'm not feelin too good
on my chest a brand new 'thug life' tattoo
that's when it occurred to me my pants were gone too

i quickly found a house on the next block
it looked empty, all the doors were locked
a tall oak tree, an open window way up high
i climbed and reached and much to my surprise...

that's when you walked in and you let out a scream
i said what you think you saw you did not see
i told the tale to no avail for 20 blocks to county jail
that what you think you saw you did not see

it's not that i'm complaining but your order is restraining
and what you think you saw you did not see
it's not how it looks
Track Name: Ugly American
UGLY AMERICAN © 2008 Acoustic Ross

i've played thousands of shows for thosuands of fans
my pop-country songcraft even got me to france
well i always like to talk to the press
and i think our foreign policy's a mess
i let the president have it, i guess
now i'm a dixie damsel in distress

i read maxim and stuff and i watch espn
it's pizza and porn if i'm staying in
i like beer and ball and babes
dumb girls i can treat like a slave
and andrew w.k.

alllll right - i'm an ugly american

a simple southern guy from a simple southern town
i sure missed my girlfriend when she wasn't around
well i drank one too many beers
in vegas over new year's
i married britney spears

alllll right - i'm an ugly american

i sent out hundreds of thousands of emails today
viagra, cialis, grow your credit score today
well someday something will give
but right now your spam filter leaks like a sieve
i'm sure glad you don't know where i live

alllll right - i'm an ugly american

oh baby can't you see you wanna be just like me?

from the frat house to the state house
to the white house, truth to tell
i got most of dad's name and his career path as well
soon my country was under attack
but the evildoers were too hard to track
well i guess i might as well invade iraq

alllll right - i'm an ugly american
Track Name: 48 Days Adrift
48 DAYS ADRIFT © 2008 Acoustic Ross

i don't know who he is but he's got a chance
to sweep right down and take you off my hands
and part of me hopes he might show up soon
cause i can't take one more night in this room

in time we grew but we took different shapes
it makes me think it's time for one more change
my exit strategy's set to begin
and time is running low on me again

you're dry as bones and i'm an empty cup
and lately all i think about is trading up
i don't know where to go, i don't know what to say
all i know is i love you but i can't stay

if i could craft a perfect breakup speech
if i could look both ways across my street
i'd find a way to tear this thing apart
and figure out how not to break your heart

this whirlpool is pulling me so hard
i've lost all sight of land, now it's all dark
this wasn't how this was supposed to end
from lovers back to roommates back to friends

you're dry as bones and i'm an empty cup
and lately all i think about is trading up
i don't know where to go, i don't know what to say
all i know is i love you but i can't stay

i don't know who he is but he's got a chance
to sweep right down and take you off my hands
i know it's wrong to take this kind of side
but i'm not strong enough to just say goodbye

you're dry as bones and i'm an empty cup
and lately all i think about is trading up
i don't know where to go, i don't know what to say
all i know is i love you but i can't stay
Track Name: Rough Weekend
ROUGH WEEKEND © 2008 Acoustic Ross

i went out drinking last saturday night in the same bar i always visit
my friend tony's band was putting on a show, i didn't wanna miss it
i got kinda drunk after a couple hours, so i figured i should leave
but when i got to the back, i nearly dropped in my tracks
i saw something made me wanna heave

it was the manager of a boy band i used to be in
i should have given him a kick in the gut
we were bigger than backstreet when he threw my ass out
now i'm bigger than jabba the hutt

i stumbled back to my car, parked behind the bar, started reaching for my keys
i dropped them in the snow, started searching high and low, and i got down on my knees
i saw shiny black boots in front of my face, it was officer fang
he said
'what are you doing you slobbering drunk?'
i said
'nothing!'

he kicked me in the teeth, took away my keys, and told me i could sleep in jail
but when he turned his back i made my attack
i took off down a snowy trail

i had a rough weekend
i had a rough weekend
i had a rough weekend once again.

i went back to my place, splashed some water on my face, and i threw up 5 or 6 times
i slept the whole next day till my girl stopped by
and we drank ourselves some red wine (hair of the dog)
she got loosened up and told me
'don't get mad, but i think i'm in trouble'
i said
'there's just one thing, then, that we oughta do, is get married on the double'
and i thought to myself
'what else could happen to make my weekend rougher?'
my girl answered that one, she said
'just hold on, cause i've got another lover'

i had a rough weekend
i had a rough weekend
i had a rough weekend once again.

well i took off running for my car - which i forgot, it wasn't there
(it was still back at the bar in the first verse)
i got into hers, it's a little blue thunderbird, and i headed straight for nowhere
i was moving pretty quickly when the lines got squiggly and i couldn't see where to go
and the snow didn't help cause it just wouldn't melt and i skidded right off the road
i crashed into a ditch, shouted son of a gun, i thought it was the end
but the story ain't over till the fat guy sings about his rough weekend.

i had a rough weekend
i had a rough weekend
i had a rough weekend once again.
Track Name: The Anarchist Fakebook
THE ANARCHIST FAKEBOOK © 2008 Acoustic Ross

i'm staying up late and i'm walking in the woods
got me a new song, but it ain't no good
weird al beat me to it by a year and a half
now all i'm left with is mid-tempo crap

at first i heard whispers then i saw a big black van
then like a vision the bespectacled man
he beckons me over, and he shows me the proof
hands me the book and he tells me the truth

conspiracy theory, in this book it reads more like fact
jfk and martin, the whole moon landing act
some big surprises, some i knew all along
just cause i'm paranoid don't mean i'm wrong

i'm green with envy, yellow with fear
tired as the thoughts i've been planting in your ears
my whole manifesto a massive cliche
all sound and fury... with nothing to say

tell the truth as i see it or at least as i see fit
sang this song so many times i almost believed it
now i have this knowledge, this unlimited wealth
i'll practice, i'll preach, i'll keep it to myself

i read the whole tale and i took it all to heart
what would we do if the lies fell apart?
how best to ensure a nation stays scared?
now i know the answer... i don't think i'll share

the masons, the vatican, illuminati, roswell and castro, the cia too
it's all connected, it's all in my head
i'd bring down the system, but what would that prove?
we'd just build a worse one, so i'm not telling you

i'm green with envy, yellow with fear
tired as the thoughts i've been planting in your ears
my whole manifesto a massive cliche
all sound and fury... with nothing to say.
Track Name: Ruby
RUBY © 2005 Ross/Math Lab

i can't eat and i can't sleep
i can't stop looking for another one
i can't read and i can't write
i can't get a single thing done

when i look back at my own past
i see all the things i used to know
it's all the same, it's all in vain
it's hard to live in your own shadow

i did it once, can't do it again
try to find another way
looking so far ahead i can't see today

ruby, you just slipped away from me
it's not accidental, now i know
ruby, you've slipped almost out of reach
and i have tried to let you go
but i'm slipping

i tried so hard to make you feel
but nothing i create is real
stuck in my head, it's all unsaid
so i take the same old lousy deal

thought i knew you deep inside
but there's a part that you still hide
took a guess, i took a stab
cut to the chase and cough up my pride

now i can't write and i can't sing
i can't play my instrument
nothing works
and nothing hurts as much as what you really meant

ruby, you just slipped away from me
it's not accidental, now i know
ruby, you've slipped almost out of reach
and i have tried to let you go
but i'm slipping

can't get no satisfaction
can't get no decent traction
can't get no new distraction
just feeling slipping action
Track Name: Without
WITHOUT © 2008 Acoustic Ross

i can picture your face sometimes when i hear those three little words
sometimes i think it might be good to go back
i often think that just one kiss from you would heal all my wounds
then i remember who led the first attack

you started this, you finished it, and it's been over and done for some time
still i think it might be coming back
we promised we wouldn't hurt each other then we went straight for the throat
with words as claws we couldn't just retract
our words as claws we couldn't just retract

so i may sleep alone tonight, but i'll wake up without you
and i may live alone for a while, but i'm living without you
and i may think of you too much, but it's what i'd rather do
because i'd rather live in pain for a while than spend my life with you

i've tried so hard for so so long but i just can't come up with a thing
no reasons obvious why i'm still right here
tried to leave but the exit was gone, now i'm stuck in the corner again
with this emotional dunce cap on my head
the old addictions are building up inside this hollow cavern of me
the emptiness is almost too much to bear
but i've been through this a hundred times, well at least maybe two or three
and though it's difficult i can still breathe the air
i can still breathe
i can still breathe the air

so i may sleep alone tonight, but i'll wake up without you
and i may live alone for a while, but i'm living without you
and i may think of you too much, but it's what i'd rather do
because i'd rather live in pain for a while than spend my life with you

ain't gonna spend my life with you.
Track Name: The RIAA Took My Baby Away
THE RIAA TOOK MY BABY AWAY © 2008 Acoustic Ross

it was my baby and me and my computer makes three and my online identity
that got us all into this mess
she found a band that she liked and shared a file one night
two wrongs don't make copyright
my password she guessed

i wouldn't care if it was indie or a proven brand
but life's too short to listen to another jam band
so i did my duty, turning in my baby that day
that's when the r.i.a.a. took my baby away

they said
'your mix cd's illegal and our cupboard's getting bare
how's beyonce gonna pay for more extensions in her hair?'
i saw my baby in the slammer and she sat there so still
i sang a verse of 'enter sandman' and they sent me a bill

i said
'if you made better records i'd be willing to pay
'but you keep feeding us this middle-of-the-road crap every day'
so i did my duty, breaking down the d.m.c.a.
that's when the r.i.a.a. took my baby away

the record industry just wants you to obey and then go buy
but maybe there's a better option there for you and i
if we're gonna change the future there's a thing that can be done:
STOP BUYING SHIT YOU SAW ON VH1

if no one's buying garbage then the garbage fades away
so maybe our kids won't have to grow up listening to coldplay
let's do our duty, cleaning up the industry
screw the r.i.a.a., download a song for free
screw the r.i.a.a., download a song from me - acousticross.com

that's how the r.i.a.a. took my baby from me.
Track Name: Life Imitates Life
LIFE IMITATES LIFE © 2008 Acoustic Ross

let's pretend i know how to write a love song
let's pretend i also know how to sing
let's pretend that you're in the mood to listen to me today
let's pretend that i've got something to say

i've never failed to let myself down
i follow my heart but it gives me bad advice
didn't mean to bore you, that's the story of my life
i'd hate myself but i think i'm just too nice

can't believe ten years have gone by so fast
i've wrecked four cars, quit six jobs and moved eight times
you're the only constant in this equation
the only point connecting all these lines

and now i wish i could write you a sappy love song
cause i don't have the guts to tell you how i really feel
an imaginary love song from your imaginary friend
cause you know you're the only one that's real

i think i might be allergic to earnest love songs
but sometimes i can take a three-minute dose
i'll try to grin and bear it while my knees are getting weak
my love is a fever, i don't think you should stand so close

i use humor to keep the outside world at a distance
if i don't let them in, i don't have to take that chance
i'm not the man i used to be, but i doubt i ever was
i can change my life but not my circumstance

and now i wish i could write you a sappy love song
cause i don't have the guts to tell you how i really feel
an imaginary love song from your imaginary friend
cause you know you're the only one that's real

let's pretend i'm telling you in person
let's pretend i'm brave enough to try
took so long to see you here, it's love at first hindsight
now i've got the map but i don't remember how to drive

and now i wish i could write you a sappy love song
cause i don't have the guts to tell you how i really feel
an imaginary love song from your imaginary friend
cause you know you're the only one that's real
i know you're the one that's real.
Track Name: Original High-Energy Dance Song
ORIGINAL HIGH-ENERGY DANCE SONG © 2006 Ross/Math Lab

you're alone tonight practicing your indecision
take my picture off the wall
sweat myself awake
a thousand miles away in my mind
but i can't bear to make the call

should have closed another door
but i keep coming back for more
i could start again anywhere
but i can't bring myself to care

out with a whimper, not a roar
don't have it in me anymore
it's more a white flag than a war
i don't have it in me anymore

i've seen that car before
i know the face and i know his name
i know his thoughts are in your head
i should slash the tires
quit this job and take my life back
instead i'm home and playing dead

i know your heart is either/or
and he's the man i was before
i can't feel my body getting cold
my nerves are dead but not my soul

out with a whimper, not a roar
don't have it in me anymore
it's more a white flag than a war
i don't have it in me anymore