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Talkin' Don't Pick on the Big Guy Blues

from The Self​-​Improvement of Acoustic Ross by Acoustic Ross

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Remix; originally appeared on The 918 UFN EP.
Written for show on Elvis' birthday.
Boss level: write funny song without making direct fun of birthday boy.

lyrics

TALKIN’ DON’T PICK ON THE BIG GUY BLUES © 2004 Acoustic Ross

Well since my baby left me I’ve found a new place to dwell
It’s down at the end of lonely street in a house with my old buddy L
L. Ron Presley, that is (no relation)

So when Tom asked me to play this show, I thought “sounds like fun,
but I don’t know any Elvis songs, guess I’ll have to write my own”
So I asked L. Ron to help me out, he said “I don’t know what the fuss is all about,
they call him The King, but I never saw no crown”
He said “all I remember’s the way he died, out on that highway doing 95
With his wife, Jayne Mansfield, at his side”
I said “Ron, you might be thinking of someone else…”

So I called my Mom to see if she might have some thoughts regarding E
I said “Mom, the show’s only seven days away”
She said “oh, I remember Elvis, yup, that ‘Candle in the Wind’ song really sucked
But that boy was the Liberace of his day”
I said “Mom, hang on, that’s Elton John, you’re starting to sound a lot like Ron,
Doesn’t anyone remember ‘Blue Suede Shoes?’”
She said “what’s Marlin Perkins have to do with this?”
I said “could you put Dad on the phone?”

I asked this guy I knew from work, frankly he’s usually kind of a jerk,
But he really knows his music so I figured what the hey
He said “make sure you mention Lisa Marie’s ex-husbands, now she’s up to three,
But that middle one Jacko, he’s weird enough for eight”
I said “the music’s what I’m interested in”
He said “what, you mean ‘Beat It’ or ‘Billie Jean?’”
I knew I shouldn’t have come to him in the first place
(frankly, I was starting to get a little bit discouraged)

I went up to that big old record store
The one that’s on the second floor of that bookstore where they also sell overpriced coffee
There was just one clerk there who looked kinda hip
I said “take me to where Elvis lives”
She said “you looking for later stuff or early?”
I’m thinking finally, progress! “Early please!”
She says “that’s my favorite too” and leads me to a rack and hands me a CD
On the cover he’s got the slicked-back hair, guitar and... glasses also there
She says “his song ‘Veronica’ really means a lot to me”
Elvis Costello. I really shoulda seen that coming. (You should have too.)

I was starting to get a little tense
Three days away and still on the fence about which way I want this song to go
That’s when Woody G appeared to me, he said “talking blues, boy, gotta be”
And I knew right then, you don’t tell Woody no
He said “stick to the hits, skip the scandal
A little respect – this ain’t Tony Randall, it’s the undisputed King of Rock ‘n’ Roll
Save all the jokes about his weight, and the drugs, and the craziness
For Brian Wilson’s birthday.”

Woody said “say what you want about the Vegas trip, this guy had a hundred top 40 hits
I think he’s entitled to a little eccentricity
Yeah, and managers come and pharmacists go, and pretenders to the throne you know
But Elvis never dangled a baby off a balcony” (Woody’s got a point there)

So if you’re lonesome tonight, need a hunk of love
Return to sender and rise above black velvet paintings and rhinestones all around
Yeah, forget Graceland, forget the flicks, Ed Sullivan shooting from the hip
The thin one, the fat one – just remember the sound
Cause that’s the Elvis who’s never gonna leave the building.

credits

from The Self​-​Improvement of Acoustic Ross, released December 16, 2014
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Acoustic Ross: all instruments and voices

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Acoustic Ross Tulsa, Oklahoma

Either Tulsa's funniest musician or its most musical comedian, Acoustic Ross has written & performed original AntiFolk/comedy music for 25+ years, released 7 albums, served as house musician/MC in carnival sideshow, & played nearly 400 shows in venues sizing from Cain's Ballroom to a school bus.

Check out acousticross.com/category/media for a handful of tracks not available here!
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